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面對強勢人群如何堅守自己的立場

  No. It’s one of the shortest words in the English vocabulary, but it’s also one of the most difficult for many of us to say。

  NO(不),這個詞可謂是英文中最短的單詞之一了。但要說出一個“不”字,對很多人來說卻大有難度。

  We all know that setting limits will lower our stress level and save our sanity, but sometimes we are caught off guard by people who simply won’t take no for an answer. Read on to learn how to put your foot down with these master manipulators。

  我們都明白,為自己的承受力設限可以降低壓力,讓自己保持清醒。但有時,一些人並不準備從你那裏得到否定答案,你在這些人面前完全沒有防備之力。閱讀以下的內容,可以知道如何在這些超有控制欲的人面前保持立場。



  The Flatterer

  拍馬屁的人

  Whether it’s the friend who tells you how smart you are and how much she’d appreciate your help on a volunteer project she’s working on, or the school mom who insists that the students will be so disappointed if you don’t make your special cupcakes for the class holiday party, the flatterer plays to your vanity by making you feel indispensable。

  你的朋友或許會誇獎你有多聰明,並聲稱如果你幫她完成一個志願項目的話,她會心懷感激;老師或許會說如果你不為班級的週末派對做蛋糕的話,學生們會十分失望。不管何種情形,拍馬屁的人會以迎合你的虛榮心的方式,讓你覺得自己無可替代。

  Reality check: If you want to help out because it gives you pleasure, fine, but no one is irreplaceable. “If it’s not brain surgery, others can do it—maybe not with your pizzazz, but it will get done and the cosmos will not explode in the process,” says Susan Newman, PhD, author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People- Pleasing Forever。

  審視現實:如果你因為可以從中得到快樂而答應幫忙,這當然無可厚非。但你必須知道,沒有人無可替代。“又不是動腦手術,其他人也能做--或許別人沒你那麼活力四射,但事情還是能完成,並且這個過程中,宇宙也不會爆炸”著有《250種方法說“不”》的蘇珊·紐曼博士如是說,“別老是想著討好別人。”

  Your response: Turn the tables—flattery goes both ways. Instead of giving in, put the ball in the flatterer’s court. Say something like, “You’re such a fabulous baker—I could give you the recipe! Why don’t you try your hand at it; I’m sure the kids would love it。”

  你的應對:扭轉局勢--反拍馬屁。你無需放棄,你可以將選擇權發配給對方,比如你可以說:“你最麵包真的很棒,我給你食譜吧!你或許可以自己試試做麵包哦。我想孩子們會喜歡的。”

  The Guiltmeister

  內疚製造者

  Your mother insists that you never call—never meaning your three calls a week aren’t enough. Or your friend sighs that you seem to have time for everyone but her—and does it while the two of you are together having lunch。

  你的媽媽或許執意認為你從來不給她打電話—即便你一週打3次,在她眼中卻是不夠的。或者你明明和朋友正在共用午餐,他卻感嘆說你總是抽不出時間陪她。

  Reality check: Step back and get perspective. If it were a perfect stranger in your position, what would you think? If your grown kids behaved this way toward you, how would you feel? Ask a friend for some insight. If it seems like a bigger minefield than you know how to handle, consider talking to a psychotherapist to help you sort it out。

  審視現實:抽身出來,稍作觀察。如果一個陌生人身處你的境況,你會作何感想?如果你已成年的孩子這樣對你,你作何感想?你可以想一個朋友討教下。如果你覺得自己無法處理,可以考慮諮詢一下心理醫生,為你理清思緒。

  Your response: “You can’t do enough for some people, so don’t try,” says Dr. Newman. Arguing is futile—you’ll never win—so just calmly tell the other person how it’s going to be. “Mom, I’d rather we didn’t have this same argument over and over. If we can’t talk about something else, let’s hang up and call back when we can。” Or tell your “neglected” friend, “I’m sorry you feel this way, but I try to see you as much as I can。”

  你的反應:“你為他人做事情永遠沒有底線,所以不要試圖這樣做”紐曼博士說。辯解是無濟於事的,你沒有任何勝算。你只需心平氣和地高度對方應該如何做。“媽媽,我不想和你一直就這個問題做無休止的爭論。如何我們沒有其他事情可談,那就先挂了電話,等找到其他話題了,再繼續吧” 或者告訴你那“被拋棄”的朋友:“很抱歉你會這麼想,但是我已經努力盡可能多的與你見面了。”

  The Saboteur

  破壞者

  You’re committed to losing those excess pounds, but every time you go out with a certain friend, she tries to get you to order dessert. “Just this one time can’t hurt!” she says. “But you can’t come and not have the chocolate cake!” The saboteur tries to validate her choices by making you behave as she does。

  你下定決心要減肥,可每次你和某位朋友出去吃飯,她總是試圖讓你點甜點。“就這吃一次嘛,不要緊的啦”她會這樣說。“你不可能就這樣來了,連巧克力蛋糕都不吃一塊吧!”破壞者總是把她的選擇強加到你的身上。

  Reality check: Be a leader, not a follower, and think about how angry you’ll be when the number on the scale climbs after all that hard work. “Saying no is not about selfishness but about self-respect. You’re standing up for what is right for you,” says William Ury, PhD, cofounder of Harvard University’s Program on Negotiation。

  審視現實: 你要做自己的主人,而不是隨波逐流。想一下,當你在諸多減肥努力下,還是看到體重秤上的數字有了攀升,會有多麼地懊惱啊。“學會說不並不是自私,而是自重。你在堅持做正確的事情”哈佛大學談判項目共同創辦人威廉·尤裏博士如是說。

  Your response: Stand firm, and then redirect the conversation. You don’t need a lot of excuses or explanations. “No, thank you. Tea is just fine for me. Are you going to watch American Idol this season? I wonder how the new hosts will be。”

  你的反應:保持自己的立場,重新控制談話的方向。你不需要很多藉口或解釋。“不用了,謝謝。我喝茶就可以。你會看這一季的《美國偶像》嗎?我在想誰會是這一季的主持人呢”

  The Whiner

  抱怨者

  Every time your coworker receives a difficult assignment, she starts in on how unfair it all is, that she’s the one who always gets the hard stuff. She keeps going until you finally offer to help just to make her stop complaining。

  每次你都同事接到一個艱巨的任務,她就開始抱怨不公平,說自己總是接到難題。她一直哀訴抱怨,直到你為了讓她停止抱怨,主動去幫她的忙。

  Reality check: Even if she has a point—your boss does give her more difficult work—this has nothing to do with you. It’s between her and the boss, and it’s up to her to deal with it。

  審視現實:即使她確有她的理由--老闆確實給了她更多艱巨的任務--這與你沒有絲毫關係。這事兒關乎她和領導,需要她自己去解決。

  Your response: Cut her off at the pass before she really gets rolling. “You know, you may have a point. This does seem to be a pattern. Why don’t you set up a meeting with the department head to see if you can sort this out?”

  你的回應:在她開始滔滔不絕前中斷她的抱怨。“你或許有你的觀點,這或許就是現實情況。不然你和部門領導談一談,看看能不能解決問題呢?”

  The Bully

  霸道者

  Bullying among grownups is more common than you may think. A 2007 study of nearly 8,000 working adults conducted by the Workplace Bullying Institute found that 37 percent of workers had been bullied. Adult bullying can take many forms, but the bully always uses his anger and intimidating demeanor to get you to do more than you want。

  成人世界的威懾遠比你想像地多。2007年,職場霸淩與創傷機構基於對近8000名成年工作者進行的調查,發現職場中有37%的人曾經被威懾。成年人之間的威懾形式多樣。通常情況下,霸道者利用自身的怒氣和嚇人的行為,讓你做一些本不想做的事兒。

  Reality check: No matter what you have done or not done, no one deserves to be treated disrespectfully or in a threatening manner。

  審視現實:不管你做了什麼,或者沒有做什麼,你不應該被如此無禮對待,也不應被威懾恐嚇。

  Your response: A bully wants to get under your skin, so don’t let him see you sweat. Don’t respond in anger (he feeds on negative emotions) and don’t allow yourself to be browbeaten into doing something you don’t want to do. “A calm, quiet, firm, neutral voice is more powerful than a loud no. It conveys more self-control and strength,” says Dr. Ury. “Speak assertively and be very clear about what you want to happen. Say, ‘I don’t appreciate being treated this way. Come back when you calm down,’ or ‘I think I’ve made myself clear—I won’t discuss it anymore.’”

  你的回應:霸道者想要惹怒你,你不要讓他看到自己的懦弱。不要惡言相向(他通常會越挫越勇),不要因為恐嚇而做自己不想做的事兒。“用一種沉著、冷靜、堅定而中立的聲音去回應,比大聲說“不”要來得更有力。這傳達了你所擁有的的克制和力量,”尤裏博士如是說,“我不喜歡這樣被威脅。還是等你冷靜了再來找我吧。”或者你可以說:“我想我已經表明瞭自己的想法,我不想再說了。”


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